...and there's nothing you can say to stop me.
Why?
1. There is a wealth of scientific knowledge we can glean from monkeys.
A couple of years ago, an article published on the surprisingly well-rounded Cracked.com introduced me to the concept of the Monkeysphere. To condense a long, fascinating article to a digestible blurb, here's what it says:
Monkeys form monkey societies. Turns out the number of monkeys in these societies is directly proportional to the size of their brains. Bigger brain, bigger monkey society. This can be applied to humans. Based on our brain size, we are psychologically capable of considering the welfare of up to 150 people -- your Monkeysphere. Therefore, even people who serve vital functions in our lives often do not make it onto our mental radar. For instance, the garbage collectors make sure you don't have to live in a mountain of your own filth. Did you send any of the garbage people holiday cards last year? No, because they don't have a spot in your Monkeysphere. Case closed.
I'd like to see you stand toe-to-toe with Jane Goodall and still maintain that there isn't anything we can learn from monkeys. (Yes, I used a straw man argument. I know you didn't say there's nothing we can learn from monkeys. But unless I have an imaginary person disagreeing with me, I can't get indignant on the behalf of monkeys everywhere. And this post wouldn't be written. I think that's a cause we can all get behind.)
2. My monkey is smarter than your dog/cat/other boring pet.
In fact, unless you have a dolphin, my monkey is smarter than any animal you possess. And if you do have a dolphin, you're harboring a murderer and a rapist.
Anyone who has seen the phenomenal program Ape Genius knows that monkeys are ridiculously smart. What they may not know is that even captive monkeys can do awesome things.
For a year or so now, monkey experiments have been of great personal interest (read: obsession) for me. In one of these experiments, monkey scientists (humans who study monkeys, not the stuff of Charlton Heston's nightmares. Especially because he's dead. Time to take that gun away from him.) put two monkeys on either side of a plexiglass sheet with a small window in the middle. On one side, one monkey had a container with hazelnuts in it. On the other, a different monkey had a piece of flint, which Monkey #1 needed to open the container.
What a to-do!
What happened stunned the world (read: me, as I watched this video). Monkey #2 passed the flint to Monkey #1 through the hole. Monkey #1 opened the container. Then Monkey #1 reached a pivotal moment in monkey history. He was faced with the decision of keeping the 6 nuts from the container, or sharing them with Monkey #2. After some soul-searching, Monkey #2 shared the nuts with Monkey #1 -- equally. 3 nuts for each monkey. Most humans I know aren't that nice. For the record, the video is available on YouTube. Search "monkey cooperation".
If you think people at a party wouldn't be impressed by such a display, you've never been to a party with monkeys performing tricks. What a disappointing social life you lead.
3. My monkey is smarter than your child.
For a series of reasons.
In a different experiment (right about now, you're asking yourself, 'How many monkey experiments does this guy watch?' Answer: a lot.), monkeys were put in front of a computer screen and trained to understand a game that came up. On the screen, a sequence of numbers from 1 to 10 would appear, which the monkeys had to push in order, for which they would be rewarded with nuts.
When the monkeys had grasped the concept of the game and learned to push the buttons in the right order, the scientists increased the difficulty by making the numbers appear in random parts of the screen. The task was the same -- numbers in order, reward of nuts.
Now, the interesting part: when these monkeys were pitted against children, the monkeys won. Solidly. They basically embarrassed the kids. For the rest of their lives, even when they grow up, those kids will never be able to say, "I'm smarter than an animal." That's domination in my book.
And that's not the only thing monkeys beat kids at. Freshman year psychology classes taught me about a concept called "object permanence". It's the idea that once something leaves your sight, it still exists. Babies don't get that, which is why Peek-A-Boo is such an interesting game to them. They think you're Harry fucking Houdini when you put your hands over your eyes.
The same monkeys that participated in the flint-for-nuts experiment above were part of another experiment. They were given small chips, which they could exchange with the scientists for rewards. One monkey could exchange a chip for a dry biscuit. The other monkey, using the same chip, was given a grape. Biscuit Monkey did not take kindly to this. Grape Monkey was getting the food equivalent of John Belushi to Biscuit Monkey's Jim.
When Biscuit Monkey saw Grape Monkey approaching for another transaction, he noticed that the experimenter's hand was closed around an unknown object. Anticipating the injustice about to take place, Biscuit Monkey carpe'd the diem for all monkeykind, jumping in to pry the experimenter's hand open and stealing the grape.
Biscuit Monkey revolutionized our understanding of what monkey brains are capable of. With one action, he demonstrated both his grasp of fairness AND his ability to conceive of object permanence.
Monkeys 2, children 0.
If you're still not convinced, bow before further evidence:
Baby Morons Trumped By Monkeys
Children Fail to Understand Simple Directions: Monkeys Advance
Monkeys Display Complex Economic Theories: What Did Your Child Do Today?
4. My monkey will protect me.
Wild monkeys are vicious killers. They fashion long spears to kill other animals, the first instance of animals creating tools for specific purposes in nature.
In 2007, the mayor of Delhi, India, was attacked by monkeys who forced him off the balcony of his terrace. He sustained major cranial injuries and later died.
I tell this morbid story not to depress you, but to instill in you the fear that you really should have of monkeys attacking you. If you think I'm being alarmist, consider this: the majority of the population has at least one phobia, an irrational fear. This fear is very rational. A 90-pound monkey is 3-4 times stronger than the average human -- even the females. Is it any more ridiculous to be scared of that than it is to be scared of spiders?
Maybe you would find solace in the fact that monkeys are very trainable. Just don't approach one in the wild thinking you'll conquer the beast like your ancestors did. Your ass will get handed to you. In several pieces.
5. Monkeys love getting wasted.
This one requires very little explanation and is much more enjoyable to watch than to read about. To make this brief, monkeys in the Caribbean have been known to steal tourists' drinks and get plastered. Monkey life is essentially one big frat party -- drinking to excess, throwing things, and occasionally displaying extreme resourcefulness when food or mating is on the line.
Behold.
Oh, your dog can roll over? Awesome. My monkey is well on his way to performing derivative calculus.
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